I have always felt that I am really supportive of women, their plight and feminism. I have felt I have done a good job of speaking up for women when they have been degraded, belittled or marginalized.
However, lately I have been doing some thinking. I have wondered if I have been the supporter of women I like to think I am.
The #MeToo movement has certainly spurred some introspection about how I really view and have treated women. I took a fine tooth comb to not only my behavior and thoughts but my reaction to others whether they be friends or family members.
I have always considered myself a male feminist. Although, I have never really given any substantive thought to what that actually means. While I don't introduce myself, "Rob Easley, male feminist" I believe my affinity for women and feminism speaks for itself.
But, in the last year or so since the emergence of the #MeToo movement I have really re-evaluated myself and where I stand within the "struggle". Honestly, I have been in this place since the infamous Access Hollywood tape featuring a certain tangerine skin toned cretin. His name escapes me at the moment.
So, what I decided to do was listen. I began listening to what feminists said about #MeToo. I listened to what feminists said about men who are allies of feminists. I listened to what feminists said about opponents of feminism. I also listened to what feminists said about men who say they're allies of women but what they practice is not what they preach. I paid attention when they said actually what they say is usually a precursor of what they'll do. A little scratching beneath the surface will reveal many male feminists aren't the "woke enlightened fellas" they purport.
I listened when these women warned, "Beware of male feminists!"
Now, I would be lying if I my initial reaction wasn't, "Hold the hell up! I consider myself a male feminist and I am not being fake!"
But, instead of becoming defensive or resentful I thought it better to listen some more and read.
What I discovered is a schism among feminists about the role and existence of male feminists. However, I also noticed a commonality among these women, which is they don't trust male feminists.
The existing schism is between the feminists who believe men are essential to furthering their cause and embracing them is better than potentially alienating them and those who feel feminism is a strictly female cause so men should just stay away.
However,, even the latter side have disagreements. One section believe men should stay out of the way but be on the sidelines providing some type of support. The other side, perhaps the more radical feminists, believe men should literally stay out of the movement.
But, why do most feminists mistrust and are leery of male feminists? Is it because they have a general mistrust of men? Do they believe men are inherently evil?
As I read numerous articles on this, I begin seeing a different pattern. A disturbing pattern. It is actually one I noticed firsthand.
Many self-professed male feminists possess, cradle and exhibit the same atrocious oppressive characteristics that have led to marginalization and objectification of women throughout history. They claim to understand the detriment of patriarchy but, in fact, perpetuate it in within their personal nuanced interactions with women. (See: Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby and Louie C.K.)
I have seen this myself. I know dudes who are "woke", "progressive" "pro-women's lib"; yet, display a resentment for #MeToo that would make that fella with the tangerine skin tone (whose name still escapes me) say, "Damn! That's sorta fucked up." These same dudes proclaim to be defenders of women but almost always finds themselves either defending or being low-key apologists for sexual assaulters and sexual harassers. These "woke" guys say the believe in equality and respect for women; yet, openly practice misogyny, chauvinism and belittlement.
Something else I noticed that was consistently mentioned is that male feminists tend to hijack feminism and make it about them whether it's exclusively or inclusively.
A common statement that is said is, "Patriarchy adversely affects men too." While this empirically true, men using this to victimize themselves (even if it's implicitly) is just wrong. Of course, patriarchy has a negative effect on men and how they view and treatment women. However, the consequences of the negative effects are infinitely and definitively more detrimental to women. This is inarguable.
It is similar to saying white supremacy adversely affects white people. It is apparent that is true. However, it is more apparent the affects on black people has and is much worse.
Another disturbing trend among male feminists goes back to the misogyny. They tend to objectify women.
Now, on a macro level these dudes say and likely even believe that women shouldn't be objectified or degraded. However, when it comes to their personal individual interactions with women they offer degrade and objectify women.
They will denounce the practice of slut shaming or catcalling on social media or in front of an audience, but will have little hesitation in slut shaming their significant other for how many men she's slept with. When they are with their boys they'll participate in catcalling and/or ogling women. Ya know so the fellas won't think they've gone soft or have abandoned their alpha male nonsensical toxic masculinity.
All this propelled me to begin some introspection. I certainly don't feel I have ever attempted to hijack feminism for my own or for men. I don't think I have ever sought to repress or oppress women. I do not have violent or controlling tendencies.
But, have I objectified women? Have I unfairly categorized women? Have I degraded women in some way even if it was subtle? If I am being honest, the answers are "yes".
I struggle with objectifying versus admiring women. If I notice a woman I find attractive or her body parts attractive, am I a pig for looking? I don't stare or ogle but I glance long enough to take it all in. Is that objectifying? I feel that it is regardless if I do it "respectfully" or "not creepily".
Often I want to say to a woman, "You look nice today." Or, "You are really beautiful." But, I always hesitate and most usually pass on saying anything because how does saying that not sound creepy? Especially coming from a Gary Coleman look-a-like. I don't want it to sound like, "Oh, you look pretty today as compared to other days you don't" and I don't want to sound like I'm hitting on her, so I usually say nothing.
But, even on a macro less personal level I wonder how enlightened I am. When it comes to commenting on actresses, singers or media personalities I catch myself making a comment about their personal appearance that I intend to be complementary but when I repeat it to myself or see it in a published post it sounds crass and boorish. And, I used to tell myself, "They're celebrities; it's different." But, truth is it's different whatsoever!
I certainly am guilty of using demeaning demeaning slut shaming language. It in my past social media posts. I've used the word "skank" to describe porn stars or sex workers. That was wrong. It was used as an all encompassing term without proper context.
I am not saying all this seeking forgiveness or absolution. I am bearing my soul here a little to reach a better place. I want to understand what is the correct path and action.
What I have most definitely realized is being a male feminist isn't something I necessarily should want. Women don't want sympathy nor do they appreciate appropriation. They want empathy. They want support. They want encouragement.
The feminist's expectation from men about feminism is very similar to what African-Americans want from whites about civil rights and social equality and justice. I don't speak for all black folks but most, I believe, don't expect white people to fully understand the struggle and where we're coming from. They can't. I hate to throw this out here but if you are not black and have not experienced racism (systemic and individualized) and endured the trappings of the system and been susceptible to oppression, you cannot possibly fully grasp what our struggle and conflict is.
Black people want white people to empathize.
Civil Rights wouldn't have been possible without white people. That is just simply a fact. For blacks to make their voices heard they not only needed to protest but to have white allies infiltrate and influence the power structure-a power structure blacks had minimal access to at the time. Not only did those whites understand that they also understood the struggle wasn't theirs. They didn't appropriate it nor attempt to control it. They supported it and realized the best way they could show blacks they cared was by being a friend and calling out the wrong that their own was perpetrating.
A similar dynamic should exist with men who are pro-feminism. It is imperative men understand being a male feminist in the strict meaning of the term may be counterproductive. Men cannot further the feminist cause by appropriating the movement. Nor, can they help by always attempting to take over. We sure as hell aren't conducive to the movement by spewing platitudes while literally participating in the very patriarchal and misogynistic practices we claim to abhor.
Most feminist women want us there. They want our help. They just want us to walk the walk. Speaking of the walk, men need to grasp we aren't entitled to walk side by side and certainly not in front of women. We can't fully understand their plight. And, before any brothas or their allies come at me I, of course, no the extent of our struggle. That doesn't mean we can fully understand women's struggle just like they can't understand ours.
Anyway, women don't need or want our guidance. They want our empathy. We should happily walk behind them in their march providing support.
And, we all could stand to do some introspection regarding our attitude and treatment of women. I know I can and will continue seeking to be better. Not just be a better man or a better feminist ally but a better citizen and human.
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www.twitter.com/robbase2110
www.instagram.com/robbase2110
www.patreon.com/robeasley
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www.pintrest.com/robbase2110
robbase2110@gmail.com
However, lately I have been doing some thinking. I have wondered if I have been the supporter of women I like to think I am.
The #MeToo movement has certainly spurred some introspection about how I really view and have treated women. I took a fine tooth comb to not only my behavior and thoughts but my reaction to others whether they be friends or family members.
I have always considered myself a male feminist. Although, I have never really given any substantive thought to what that actually means. While I don't introduce myself, "Rob Easley, male feminist" I believe my affinity for women and feminism speaks for itself.
But, in the last year or so since the emergence of the #MeToo movement I have really re-evaluated myself and where I stand within the "struggle". Honestly, I have been in this place since the infamous Access Hollywood tape featuring a certain tangerine skin toned cretin. His name escapes me at the moment.
So, what I decided to do was listen. I began listening to what feminists said about #MeToo. I listened to what feminists said about men who are allies of feminists. I listened to what feminists said about opponents of feminism. I also listened to what feminists said about men who say they're allies of women but what they practice is not what they preach. I paid attention when they said actually what they say is usually a precursor of what they'll do. A little scratching beneath the surface will reveal many male feminists aren't the "woke enlightened fellas" they purport.
I listened when these women warned, "Beware of male feminists!"
Now, I would be lying if I my initial reaction wasn't, "Hold the hell up! I consider myself a male feminist and I am not being fake!"
But, instead of becoming defensive or resentful I thought it better to listen some more and read.
What I discovered is a schism among feminists about the role and existence of male feminists. However, I also noticed a commonality among these women, which is they don't trust male feminists.
The existing schism is between the feminists who believe men are essential to furthering their cause and embracing them is better than potentially alienating them and those who feel feminism is a strictly female cause so men should just stay away.
However,, even the latter side have disagreements. One section believe men should stay out of the way but be on the sidelines providing some type of support. The other side, perhaps the more radical feminists, believe men should literally stay out of the movement.
But, why do most feminists mistrust and are leery of male feminists? Is it because they have a general mistrust of men? Do they believe men are inherently evil?
As I read numerous articles on this, I begin seeing a different pattern. A disturbing pattern. It is actually one I noticed firsthand.
Many self-professed male feminists possess, cradle and exhibit the same atrocious oppressive characteristics that have led to marginalization and objectification of women throughout history. They claim to understand the detriment of patriarchy but, in fact, perpetuate it in within their personal nuanced interactions with women. (See: Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby and Louie C.K.)
I have seen this myself. I know dudes who are "woke", "progressive" "pro-women's lib"; yet, display a resentment for #MeToo that would make that fella with the tangerine skin tone (whose name still escapes me) say, "Damn! That's sorta fucked up." These same dudes proclaim to be defenders of women but almost always finds themselves either defending or being low-key apologists for sexual assaulters and sexual harassers. These "woke" guys say the believe in equality and respect for women; yet, openly practice misogyny, chauvinism and belittlement.
Something else I noticed that was consistently mentioned is that male feminists tend to hijack feminism and make it about them whether it's exclusively or inclusively.
A common statement that is said is, "Patriarchy adversely affects men too." While this empirically true, men using this to victimize themselves (even if it's implicitly) is just wrong. Of course, patriarchy has a negative effect on men and how they view and treatment women. However, the consequences of the negative effects are infinitely and definitively more detrimental to women. This is inarguable.
It is similar to saying white supremacy adversely affects white people. It is apparent that is true. However, it is more apparent the affects on black people has and is much worse.
Another disturbing trend among male feminists goes back to the misogyny. They tend to objectify women.
Now, on a macro level these dudes say and likely even believe that women shouldn't be objectified or degraded. However, when it comes to their personal individual interactions with women they offer degrade and objectify women.
They will denounce the practice of slut shaming or catcalling on social media or in front of an audience, but will have little hesitation in slut shaming their significant other for how many men she's slept with. When they are with their boys they'll participate in catcalling and/or ogling women. Ya know so the fellas won't think they've gone soft or have abandoned their alpha male nonsensical toxic masculinity.
All this propelled me to begin some introspection. I certainly don't feel I have ever attempted to hijack feminism for my own or for men. I don't think I have ever sought to repress or oppress women. I do not have violent or controlling tendencies.
But, have I objectified women? Have I unfairly categorized women? Have I degraded women in some way even if it was subtle? If I am being honest, the answers are "yes".
I struggle with objectifying versus admiring women. If I notice a woman I find attractive or her body parts attractive, am I a pig for looking? I don't stare or ogle but I glance long enough to take it all in. Is that objectifying? I feel that it is regardless if I do it "respectfully" or "not creepily".
Often I want to say to a woman, "You look nice today." Or, "You are really beautiful." But, I always hesitate and most usually pass on saying anything because how does saying that not sound creepy? Especially coming from a Gary Coleman look-a-like. I don't want it to sound like, "Oh, you look pretty today as compared to other days you don't" and I don't want to sound like I'm hitting on her, so I usually say nothing.
But, even on a macro less personal level I wonder how enlightened I am. When it comes to commenting on actresses, singers or media personalities I catch myself making a comment about their personal appearance that I intend to be complementary but when I repeat it to myself or see it in a published post it sounds crass and boorish. And, I used to tell myself, "They're celebrities; it's different." But, truth is it's different whatsoever!
I certainly am guilty of using demeaning demeaning slut shaming language. It in my past social media posts. I've used the word "skank" to describe porn stars or sex workers. That was wrong. It was used as an all encompassing term without proper context.
I am not saying all this seeking forgiveness or absolution. I am bearing my soul here a little to reach a better place. I want to understand what is the correct path and action.
What I have most definitely realized is being a male feminist isn't something I necessarily should want. Women don't want sympathy nor do they appreciate appropriation. They want empathy. They want support. They want encouragement.
The feminist's expectation from men about feminism is very similar to what African-Americans want from whites about civil rights and social equality and justice. I don't speak for all black folks but most, I believe, don't expect white people to fully understand the struggle and where we're coming from. They can't. I hate to throw this out here but if you are not black and have not experienced racism (systemic and individualized) and endured the trappings of the system and been susceptible to oppression, you cannot possibly fully grasp what our struggle and conflict is.
Black people want white people to empathize.
Civil Rights wouldn't have been possible without white people. That is just simply a fact. For blacks to make their voices heard they not only needed to protest but to have white allies infiltrate and influence the power structure-a power structure blacks had minimal access to at the time. Not only did those whites understand that they also understood the struggle wasn't theirs. They didn't appropriate it nor attempt to control it. They supported it and realized the best way they could show blacks they cared was by being a friend and calling out the wrong that their own was perpetrating.
A similar dynamic should exist with men who are pro-feminism. It is imperative men understand being a male feminist in the strict meaning of the term may be counterproductive. Men cannot further the feminist cause by appropriating the movement. Nor, can they help by always attempting to take over. We sure as hell aren't conducive to the movement by spewing platitudes while literally participating in the very patriarchal and misogynistic practices we claim to abhor.
Most feminist women want us there. They want our help. They just want us to walk the walk. Speaking of the walk, men need to grasp we aren't entitled to walk side by side and certainly not in front of women. We can't fully understand their plight. And, before any brothas or their allies come at me I, of course, no the extent of our struggle. That doesn't mean we can fully understand women's struggle just like they can't understand ours.
Anyway, women don't need or want our guidance. They want our empathy. We should happily walk behind them in their march providing support.
And, we all could stand to do some introspection regarding our attitude and treatment of women. I know I can and will continue seeking to be better. Not just be a better man or a better feminist ally but a better citizen and human.
www.facebook.com/robbase2110
www.twitter.com/robbase2110
www.instagram.com/robbase2110
www.patreon.com/robeasley
www.tumblr.com/robbase2110
www.pintrest.com/robbase2110
robbase2110@gmail.com
